In defence of the match maker " aunty "

So I have been entrusted with finding a match for my third cousin .  Goshhhh now  This is new to me . A few months back my aunt  called me up and told me details about her son who is living in my  present city since an year now .  He has a very  rich CV with degrees from high level  institutions including from  one ivy league university . I have never been given this task before .
To be frank ,  I was a bit taken aback  but feeling  privileged to  be allocated such a delicate and important errand.
 Not knowing how to start , I have started giving his details to my close associates to help me out .
You see the complication - he still doesn't know  this intention of mine    and I don't want him  and the  world to think that  I am your typical match making aunty.

Me ? a very intelligent /go getting / diligent / hardworking / aware / career oriented / young /regular woman next door ? a match making aunty ?

Its a common phenomenon to   smirk or giggle at    this ilk  . we see them everywhere - in parties/ dinners / weddings / balls / banquets / functions ...
They see an eligible candidate   in some such fetes and they start  getting details  /  running  sequential  queries in their fertile minds /  playing mix and match games mentally / trying to 'fix' them with other singletons .
Majority of them are ladies ( I wonder why ) .
They are subject to much sneer and leer.
I too have chuckled quietly at these people who are trying to "set me " up  with some male I have never seen or known.
Our attitudes / outlook towards life changes with our role changes.   One fine day  , The  pampered daughter  becomes the  concerned mother ,the  carefree student becomes the  strict teacher ,
the ward becomes the guardian .
 Two decades back I was one such focussed , career minding single girl in the big bad world of Bombay ( today Mumbai).  I have led the high life  when still internet / mobile phones  were just teething .  I have lived alone in  costly hostels and studio apartments for years . My   parents used to send me photos of eligible boys and remind me every few months that I am going old and I should get married ASAP. On my 24th birthday I remember my mother calling me and literally weeping in the phone - " you are going to be ALL of 24 . you HAVE TO get married before 25 . why don't you like any boy I refer .  Word is getting around in our community in this town that you are growing proud and haughty because of your earning status . If this persists, you will never get married. That cousin younger  is already a mother . why O why .. "
I lived in literal dread of  such calls and letters .

You tend to grow up quickly when you are on your own .
One by one my friends started getting married .some even got divorced equally quickly making me think about the sanctity of the bond .
I remember falling sick once very badly . I was bed ridden for 2 whole days and had vomited  over myself more than once, soiling my bed horribly  . I could not even go and get my medicines from the cabinet which was just 10 feet away. finally  after  2-3 days I mustered up some strength and came back to life . I had to clean the whole thing myself and stand on my own two feet all by myself .  With no one to talk to  , no one to even get me a glass of water , life was hell then.  I know life when you are on your own.  I didn't tell this to my parents as I knew they will worry themselves to no end .

Truth be told ,  each time  I was home on some holiday , I had diligently attended  some " bride seeing " sessions in my house   with families ( and extended families in some cases ) of both sides chatting " nonchalantly " for several hours .  There have also been instances when  " just the two of us " met over a cuppa  .

In some cases the boy's party agreed instantly but I had refused .
I just didn't feel connected to any of them  and didn't want any alliance just for the heck of  it -no offence meant to those boys or their families .
Finally , just before my 25th birthday ( just like my mum wanted )  , I got married and now am a mother myself .
Only now I am able to acknowledge  the worry and concern of a parent.
As a guardian you want a secure life for our wards . not necessarily a rich or luxurious life but a comfortable one  at least .
Man is the only creature which worries about its offspring till he dies. birds / bees /animals / flora and fauna give birth and go about their own lives. Probably mammals like elephants / cats care for their infants for a few years till they are suckling and then the little ones are on their own.
Its natural  that a  parent is always worried  with questions like what is my child doing out in the big city all by himself  ? what if the train is very  late  ? what if he falls sick ?  what if the water electricity is not working ? does she know how to fix that leaking pipe ? what if there is some robbery in the   house ?
what if  she  runs of food stock in his fridge ?  who is he sharing his flat with ? what kind of people are coming to her house  posing as friends ? so on and on and on ...

Marriage is a wholesome package . It provides security  and bond . But this blog is  not a lecture about marriage  but I am defending those who try to find matches for singletons.  they are not  just interfering ants  . Their intentions are only to help.  Its easy to say - mind your own business but with today's  jet setting lives , individuals get little time to interact outside their realm . Dating sites are always there but its safer  to go through some known channel .
Gone are the days of horoscope matching , bride "seeing " , getting the correct wedding date from the family priest etc.,
Personally I dont think  marriage is a dying institution .  It will be there as long as humanity is around on this planet.
Coming back  to my new role , I am calling him for  collective dinners / gatherings with  other friends which include eligible girls and   introducing them. With his credentials ,he will prove to be a good match. They can meet later for a cuppa by themselves and take it from there .  Heres hoping that something appealing will click soon . Meanwhile , If and when he finds out  my intention , hope he does not develop any animosity towards me . I am only trying to help , you see ..

Narcissism and all that .

Recently   a  world famous  lawyer  ( Amal Clooney ) ,  the wife of well known actor of Hollywood  ( George Clooney )  was in news because she gave a speech  about displaced people in United Nations .  Needless to say  it was an astute  ,  sensitive speech. I have secretly admired her for being an over achiever at such an young age .   Must say - shes a prodigy of sorts .


Many bloggers and articles came out in a flurry , appreciating her  well maintained slim  , trim frame / her   lustrous hair / her figure / her baby bump /  her poise etc.,  I thought all of these  articles were well deserving  to a brainy  young woman.

Within a matter of hours another flurry of articles and blogs came out rebuking the former type . Many were plain angry with the way every one spoke only about her physique and how  there is not much mention of how and what she was speaking  on etc etc.,
Its not a cake walk going to UN and speaking in front of  dynamic intelligent  movers and shakers .

Personally , I cant see anything wrong with  the way they spoke about her   frame  and physique . I thought it was a  huge compliment to a well bred  / brilliant  lady .
If I  say I like blue,  it does not mean I hate green  .
 If I say a girl is good looking , does it mean that shes an idiot  ?
 The founder of a famous fashion house once said - If the woman is well dressed and chic ,  they  focus on her  form  and frame  , if shes plainly dressed  and drab , then   they pay attention to what shes speaking .

Is there any rule that some one cant be pretty and  perspective  at the same time ?
Dressing  , carrying oneself changes the way we carry ourself .  its not just the dress its also the  grace and poise  with which we carry ourselves.
The content AND the handwriting both matter .

A few decades ago a well dressed woman was deemed ( and rightly so ) to spend hours in front of the mirror  preening  herself.  Those days they didnt have so many easy-to-use  ointments or cosmetics  coming in various sizes which can fit in our hand bags .   So it was assumed that she spends a longer time caring for herself and being vain .

Today it takes just  a few minutes to get ready and be on the go .

Its the peer pressure which makes up a large part of how we look .
Of course we dont want to be called dandies  , frillies  or narcissistic  .   At the same time  we dont want to be called plain  Jane , dull or  moronic .  By  instinct , we tend to approach  a well presented person than some one  sluggish .
If you don't present your self  in the contemporary manner , it  speaks of  disillusionment /  disenchantment / depression  with life in general.

Looks matter . The cosmetics / fashion industry is formed of a large number of honest hard working tax paying populace .

When some one comments on our  form or physique why cant we just take it as a  well deserved compliment  ?

An encounter with a beggar in Paris ( among other things ) ..

Watch this space for more ...

My last blog on  Paris was 3 years back. this blog is not about Paris per se but about  the people living on  the  fringes  of the city - Beggars / streetwalkers / vagabonds / gypsies / idlers / destitutes  / wastrels  ..
The under written are my own thoughts and  observations . Hope I don't sound judgemental or critical .

Having lived in London for a decade , these tramps are not new to us . They are found in every nook and corner in India and other neighbouring countries  for sure . But when I  came to London  I  came with stars in  my eyes .  It never stuck me that big cities  too might have their share of  these vagabonds .  Those days they were innocuous  , some even apologetic .   I also ended up exchanging friendly familiar smiles with the regular ones. One just gets used to these harmless men and women politely asking for money  or food at traffic signals I suppose .
The early 2000s were the days of the  " pre   unrest  in the West Asia and East Europe "days.
When I came to Paris in the  2007 ,  I did expect a fair share of mendicants in the main streets. It has increased 10 fold in the past year .
Initially only the city centres used to be focus of these tramps but of late they have started penetrating areas outside  too  a few KM outside  from the  main city . Only the congested cities  in and around Paris used to be corrupted with   mendicants  but now no place is safe .
Muggers/ pickpockets / thugs are lurking around everywhere  and whats more , its tough to identify them .
Previously you can make out a person with evil intentions a mile away thanx to his unkempt look / scruffy hair / awkward gait / darting eyes ....
Today they are well dressed with costly but ill-fitting  clothes  and shoes ( all  embezzled of course )  and just take a stroll in residential areas in small groups taking a closer look at windows and houses when they think that no ones watching .  Many such streetside  rustlers in Paris and other big cities drug their children or train them to go and ask money.  Its scary to stop at traffic signals . They also carry a placard citing  " Please help us . we are a  decent family from  < insert the latest country which is having a turmoil > country  "
Villages around our residential areas have been victims of  break-ins more than once . Holidays and vacation times are most fertile seasons for thefts .  The police is most helpful  and sympathetic but what can they do anyways. they surely fix your broken pane or door for free .
I myself have been mugged  a couple of times  by small bands of sweetly giggling   teenaged girls .
Yesterday I met this cute young woman  who kept on chatting with me in the train station .I was travelling to La defence which is the centre of Paris .  She said she's from Algeria and was here with her two girls who had come for some operation one year ago.  she sounded all normal .  Once inside the train , she slowly asked me if I can get something to eat . I  realised  her intentions and told her I don't have any cash , albeit if she can come with me to  la defence  I can  buy her food . all through the  journey she was interested  in my family / jewels / dresses ...  Each time I asked about her daughters she would manage to talk about something else .  She only spoke Arabic  .  I had a tough time interacting with her .    But Very clearly , she  has overstayed her visa .  Her    " poor - little -thing "  image was slipping off   by the  time we reached our destination.
once we reached the station , I asked her what she wanted to eat .sweetly she led me to an ATM and told me  I can withdraw cash there and she  " does not mind "  having cash in place of food .
many of these  so -called  have-nots gamble away their money  or are addicted to substances . Why indirectly fund their  vices ?
equally sweetly I told her I can only buy her food else she can go elsewhere .  She became all quite suddenly .  I bought her some buns for 25,00 Euros  she was all sulky pouty by the time I finished paying the bill .She then wandered off needless to say to find another " patron " or  benefactor who will gallantly  give her some liquid cash .
liquid cash  in hand  temps many  evils .
anyway my good deed of the day was done and I walked off .
I know several people who have outstayed their  welcome like this and resort to  undesirable money making activities like pilferage / robberies/ begging / snatching ...  The state has many schemes to fit these people in the  mainstream  but these clans deliberately  live  on the brink away from the  regular stream .  They are invisible as far as the  prime society is concerned.  Truth be told , I myself know many people who have integrated into their host countries gratefully  after escaping from a  ravaged region .  They might start at the lowest rung but have slowly risen above with disciple and  control . they now indulge in a lot of charity activities to show their  obligations  and acknowledgements .
some of  these  so-called impoverished are from countries which had heavy battles for the past several decades but now have  come back to normalcy . they refuse to leave  saying they are used to this country for 30 odd years  and live  on public benefits . I personally find them most undeserving .
I can narrate first hand instances of  " training sessions " for these  undesirable  bums going on during non peak hours in underground metros or sparsely populated places .

Not just tramps but  the city and surrounding areas are abound with  street walkers even during peak  office hours . I often wonder how  all of them find takers .  Paris has a thick foliage in and around  .  The   region  around these mini   forests are fertile with men and women playing hide and seek  with the motorists  on  the  main road . They are found hanging colourful plastic covers to the trees  behind which they " hide " . some of them have several plastic covers hanging .   Insiders have told me that the colour of the plastic cover   announces the various services they offer .
At times  I do pity  them standing like this in harsh weathers looking for pickups to fund  their next meal.
Religion /race / caste/ creed/ region  does not matter.  The  mean streets are the most secular of all places.  they are all driven by necessity or needs  (  in many cases , self inflicted  ) .
I have friends and associates in all religions /races/ castes/ creeds / regions . Its the status which matters. We see eye to eye on many issues . We can chat for hours together without bringing our  doctrine into the conversation .
 So its not fair to pin point a particular region or race for these  abominable activities.
The ultimate rule of the thumb is that we need to be careful. prevention is better than cure . A good trick which helps you in many cases is keeping a flashy  wallet  openly in your  hand bag with false notes and a smaller obscure looking one deep inside with  genuine essentials  .  When any one asks you for money , try not to  escape too much depending on the crowds around you . Some of them are armed and dangerous  even in crowded places .  A needle prick is all it takes to numb you .  Your limbs /  life is more precious than a few pennies. Better to part with some money than  showing bravado    and  fall in danger trying to avoid or dodge  them .

Medical marvel .. fertility etc.,

A few days back, I read about a medical miracle that occurred in the Indian city of Meerut. I understand that a ‘genetically male’ woman has given birth to twins.

A 32-year-old ‘woman’ had a rare hormonal conditional where she looks like a woman but is ‘almost’ a man. She did not attain puberty and has never menstruated. Her uterus was underdeveloped, her ovaries were non-functional and that she had an unpronounceable condition called “XY gonadal dysgenesis “(whew that sure was a mouthful). In short, ‘her’ body was not designed for natural conception or to hold a nine month pregnancy. She went through a series of complicated procedures over a period of three years to make this possible. Embryos were developed with donor eggs (they were not her own) plus her husband’s sperm and implanted in  her uterus, which was ‘built’ or ‘strengthened’ surgically. I have very little knowledge of terms like ovum, zygote, chromosomal study, infantile uterus, endocrinal treatment to elaborate on but I know for sure that’s its cerebral and phrenic (something to do with intelligence).

I am happy to note that her ‘husband’ supported her in this decision.

Dr Sunil Jindal, the infertility specialist who administered the treatment, said,

“This is something similar to a male delivering twins.”

I am sure it took some medical geniuses and a hefty sum of money to make her dreams of having a child come true. Mentions of this marvel will be chiselled in bronze in medical encyclopaedias worldwide. Generations of students will look back and read about this with awe and wonder. Eons later, people will still equate the team who made this possible with Charaka or Shushruta (ancient physicians from the Subcontinent). The doctors will earn awards, no doubt, and will be felicitated worldwide. They might even win Nobel Prizes.

What I do not understand is, was all this required in the first place?  Could ‘she’ not have accepted gracefully (not resigned to) her fate and just adopted a child from one of the thousands of orphanages that exist today?

It’s totally understandable if she might not want to spend on ‘outside’ blood and wanted her ‘own’, but I am sure she could have found a needy family from her own community who would have given her one of their own for some money. For the money the very-much-in-love couple spent on treatments, she could have fed scores of orphanages year long.

I know this might sound harsh, but she must have undergone these painful procedures, the emotional and physical trauma, the expectations, the hopes, the disappointments… to prove to the world that she was not ‘barren’ (excuse my use of such a strong, rustic, cruel, derogatory term) and ‘won’ in the end but was the money and time well spent ? Was it absolutely necessary to bring two more souls onto this, already overcrowded, planet? I understand that this may be a question personal to the parents, but as a citizen of this world, I believe I am forced to ask those parents thinking of adopting this path. Do the orphans of this world deserve no life, love or future? Should we not look after what we have first and then plan ahead?

I accept that it is a triumph of technology, a true medical achievement, but does it have to be just about technology all the time?

I have my doubts.

Feel free to give your opinion  on this subject. 

Street dogs et al.

We had a dog for more than a decade. My brother’s friend had a litter of four puppies but was chastised by his mother for overcrowding the house, and hence he was forced to give the pups away. Sunnu brought one of his pups to our house when it was only five-days-old. We had never had any pet before so it was a novelty for everyone, including our extended family.

The pup was a cute, cuddly, fluff ball, all white with just a hint of black. Initially, we called him Snoopy, for a few days, as he would snoop around the house and sniff everything. However, Snoopy soon became Snowy – blame Tintin comics for that.

We never realised how or when he became our family member.

Needless to say, mum had put in lot of hard work schooling him. She took him to the vet to get sanitised, to the dog-trainers to coach him, cleaned up his mess when there were ‘accidents’ in our living room and did a lot more. We would only play with him once we came back from school. Truth be told, Sunnu did take some responsibility by taking him for his evening strolls and the likes, but majority of his tutelage was under mum. He was instructed to go on the streets in selected places and relieve himself. Since he was neutered, he never created much noise and nuisance during the mating period. He was a quiet and good dog.

The above picture shows an ageing Snowy lazing in our backyard. Photo: Supriya Arcot

His mood depended on our moods.

He would be sullen when he knew that something was amiss in the house, like one of us getting a scolding for achieving low marks. He would jump, frolic and play when we were happy. He would be silent when it was time for our favourite TV serial. He would quietly crawl to his favourite place (under the dining table) when he knew that we were studying for our exams or had guests over.

When we were on holidays, we would send him to the vet (who kept kennels) who would charge us per day for keeping him. Sometimes, when it was a short vacation, we would send him to the driver’s house for safeguarding. He was only too happy to keep the dog for some extra money. When we used to come back, he’d ‘hug’ us with his hairy paws and give a strange kind of whimper. It was much later that we realised that it was his way of ‘crying’ out of happiness.

Time passed, we grew up and soon it was time to fly out of the nest. Snowy had to be content with fewer familiar faces around him, even if (for weeks together) it meant only my mother. Gradually, he resigned himself to spending more and more time with ‘outside’ folks. Then one fine day, we got the news of his death. About how he went to sleep and never woke up. He had just withered away. The folks who were guarding him managed to give him a decent burial. He died (what’s known commonly as) a dog’s death; without us, alone and lonely, pining for his family.

We missed him like anything. We could not help think that it would have been better if we had put him to sleep instead of leaving him with outsiders who were not trained to take care of animals.

Dogs and humans are alike. They need a lot of attention and nurturing. Without heedfulness, they go adrift. While I totally agree that killing any animal is wrong for reasons other than to eat, I feel animals are better off when ‘put away’ in some cases.

The government has already made tried and tested rules to domesticate dogs or cats. If anyone wishes to keep any dog as a pet, they have to get it verified (sterilised) and must have a medical certificate issued by a veterinary doctor. This information is included in the license which should be hung on its neck all the time. Today, either this rule is not publicised enough or has been ignored by the general public. Many domestic pet dogs do not carry any licenses; most do not even have any ribbon or collar to indicate that they’re ‘taken’. So it’s tough to know the health of the ‘pet’.

Stray animals (especially dogs) form a big problem in many towns worldwide. One ribald way of getting rid of unwanted dogs is to hit them on the head with a blunt object, shock them and let them die a slow, numb death. Thankfully, this is not usually done.

The regular way is to collect these street dogs together and pass them through just one electric shock. The death is quick and instantaneous with zero pain. The dead bodies are then burnt or buried depending on the prevailing rules of that region. The personnel handling this operation are well equipped with sterilised gloves and face masks. The general public is well-informed about the dates of such an operation. It’s usually held on a holiday when a majority of the crowd is off the streets.

In Karachi, Pakistan, a large number of stray dogs were recently rounded up and culled. The reason that the local government gave in to such a step was that they were receiving several complaints of dog bites from different segments. While many were outraged by this, I for one was relieved that they were culled and not eliminated by some other inhumane way. Previously, these animals used to get shot dead or fed poisoned meat on the orders of the authorities – both of which were painful. Through culling, the animal doesn’t feel pain and it’s quick.

Pakistani municipal workers dispose of a pile of dog carcasses in a suburb of Karachi on February 11, 2015. Photo: AFP

When it comes to dog culling, the most common question asked by those against it is, if your own mother was a burden, would you have her killed too?

Such a question is absurd in many ways.

My mother is not a pet. She does not carry germs in her mouth. She does not chase, scare and harass children from playing on the roads. She does not scavenge the garbage bins and spread dirt and diseases around. My mother does not pick fights with her own ilk and engage in full throated brawls and howls in the dead of the night.

So comparing my mother with a dog is not only inappropriate, it is downright illogical.

I have read about the stray dogs of Moscow. They demonstrate their domesticity by ‘politely’ asking for food. If a dog sees anyone (especially a good-looking girl) having a sandwich, it goes to her quietly, puts his paw on her leg and keeps looking at her with woebegone eyes, without barking, slowly whining, till she’s smitten and gives him her share of the sandwich or whatever else she can spare. If she refuses to melt at his forlorn eyes, then he simply strays away to another onlooker.

The dogs travel in packs, taking the subway/metro/tram, to go the main city, scavenge the bins there, have their fill and come back diligently by the trains. While it shows laudable discipline in dog behaviour, I doubt if this is practical in crowded cities with cramped public transport.

Many programs are undertaken by dog lovers to sterilise all the street dogs in some cities. While this is a commendable move, what to do with the new dogs that keep coming to cities every day? It might be utilitarian to sterilise them but what about feeding them and disposal of their ‘waste’ on a daily basis? Remember, I am not talking about domestic dogs. Sterilisation might ‘tame’ them but it sure doesn’t fill their stomachs. Neutered or not, they will go rummaging through dustbins and open sewers, and spread filth and garbage around.

It’s routine for small puppies to come under vehicles zooming by (unintentionally, of course). Then they bleed to a slow and torturous death. Even if the driver has good motives, he might not be able to find an animal hospital nearby. Without having knowledge of medicine himself, the kindest thing he could do in such an unforeseen situation is to leave the puppy by the road.

Surely this is more horrific than dying with just one jolt of electricity.

However, those who are against culling can come up with another solution. They can create awareness and raise money for animal shelters, so that these animals may be catered for. But seeing how resources are often scarce and funds are not continuous, an animal shelters would need a lot of supervision to make it work.

In case animal shelters cannot be managed, instead of wasting resources, I believe dog culling is the best way round. Culling is not equal to crushing mosquitoes or cockroaches. It’s a very humane and well thought-out (and usually, well organised) way of getting rid of stray, street dogs.

To me, it is very similar to euthanasia. If the government (or whoever is advocating stray dog killing) was anti-dogs/heartless/cruel/sadistic, then why would they bother with painless and quick methods, when they could as easily resort to a painful, quick and bloody end? The government and the system cares, and that is why they make it as painless as possible.

Rules are always written keeping in mind some good for the majority. If anyone thinks that a particular rule will have only undesirable results, then it won’t be made into a law at all. In a country where animal shelters are scarce, in fact animal rights are scarce, dog culling is the most humane way of avoiding human tragedy. Before embarking upon your instinct to attack the practice, perhaps reflect on what you may have done had you been in power in a state where resources, and finances, for animal care are limited.

#Stray dogs #street dogs #snowy #pets #culling

Write to me . I wont bite ... I promise . 

Skin colour ,Racism and all that ...

 few days back, an Indian politician passed a remark about South Indian women being dark.

“Here people are awed by fair skin. Matrimonial ads also ask for fair skinned brides.”

He further added,

“In the entire country, there are more saanvle (dark-skinned) men. The women of South are beautiful, their bodies… their skin… We don’t see it here.”

Perhaps he said it as a joke or perhaps he spoke carelessly without realising. Whatever the case may be, it led to a predictable barrage of reactions from foreseeable corners; feminists, anti-racists, anti-fair skin activists and the anti-sexists.

However, I felt this hype and attention was unwarranted. Truth be told, he never insinuated that dark meant ugly. Let me clarify, I am not defending the remarks made by this individual. I am merely listing the salient arguments from all angles on the age-old debate between fair and dark-skinned individuals.

Starting from the Rig Vedic period, people have prayed for health, cattle, war loot, numerous wives, children and clear white skin. Umpteen recipes are mentioned in the ancient texts for long and lustrous hair, sparkling teeth, jet black eyes, and above all, fair skin. Innumerable mantras and slokas are written and chanted when one is born with clear and fair skin.

Many people attribute skin colour to our ancient caste system. Over a period of time, at least in the North, the upper-most caste of priests came to be associated with fair skin. Brown-skinned people were co-related to meagre jobs, such as cleaning, skinning animals and tannery.

On the contrary, in a few remote villages of South India, a dark girl is preferred for marriage because it is believed that she will not hesitate to go out in the fields, sweat under the scorching sun while tending to cattle without worrying about getting tanned. A fair-skinned girl is generally understood to be cocooned at home and is not fancied on the marriage market.

I for one disagree with colour-based discrimination. Inhabitants of a certain region carry a certain skin tone. Individuals from areas further away from the tropical region, such as individuals from the north, are fairer in comparison to their southern counterparts. Fair and dark-skinned individuals exist in all castes and religions. Therefore, skin colour should not even be an issue. It is just a geographical marker.

But mankind, by nature, is never content with what it has.

In the West, truckloads are spent on bronzing and tanning treatments. Worldwide, girls with wavy hair go for expensive hair straightening treatments. Women with straight, limply hair want extra volume and waves, hence they spend a lot on shampoos that increase their volume. Salons and spas are filled with women, as well as men, wanting to change or enhance their appearances, such as shaping their eyebrows or getting a double chin reduction.

On top of all this, there has been a massive boom in the cosmetology sector. Plastic surgeons are booked to the hilt with clients wanting to restructure their cheeks or other bone structures. Today, it has become a common place practice to opt for a toe or rib removal – the procedure is as long as office lunch hours – just to fit into the latest Jimmy Choo pair of shoes or a Versace gown. Tattooing and piercing are just some of the unusual things people do to enhance their looks.

Since time immemorial, people are known to have resorted to extremes to get the ‘perfect body.’ The Chinese system of foot binding is believed to develop strong vaginal muscles due to the small steps they take, which enhances the carnal pleasure of a newly married couple. Thus, small feet gradually began being identified with attractiveness.

Today, the building of the ruptured hymen, which could be due to a sports injury as well, is a common procedure. Creams for vaginal shrinking and whitening are available in many super markets.

However, all these aspects come with their own brand of double standards.

If a girl uses recipes for whitening her skin, provided to her by her grandmother, like turmeric or saffron, only then will she be termed an old-fashioned girl. If she buys the same product produced by a multinational company, she is bombarded with the usual salacious comments associated with racism, vanity and narcissism.

My mother was worried about my marriage prospects since I was brown skinned. I confess that I too used to apply Fair and Lovely in my high school days. But I must have looked like an awkward multi-coloured parrot with a fair face and dark hands and knees. I realised my folly and stopped soon after. Eventually, I did get married to someone who incidentally is several shades lighter than me. I suppose he preferred my personality over my skin colour.

Traditionally, fair skin has been associated with purity, innocence, vulnerability and modesty, whereas dark skin has been associated with virility, danger and machismo. Little wonder that women want tall, dark and handsome husbands and men want fair and dainty maidens as wives.

A person should be free to decide how he or she wishes to look like. Majority, if not all, of the people favouring for fairness creams are educated. The demand is so much that now fairness creams for men have also started doing well.

When extreme procedures, such as changing the shape of your body, hair transplants, liposuction, skin tightening and peeling can be done, why are we so touchy when it comes to skin “colouring”?

Write to me . I feed on your comments - good / bad  / ugly ..

Bleeding and all that ... #HappyToBleed

My two cents on Bleeding .

 Menstruation has become a very popular debate of talk in the last few days suddenly , thanks  to the  ongoing subject  of #HappyToBleed.  Here are my two cents on this issue .

 In tropical climates like that of the subcontinent,  the average age  of ‘maturity’  is 12  . In colder climates its around 16 or more .  I came of age at  11 . I remember my mother trying to tell me ‘something’  (  but mostly she managed to mutter and murmur )   the past few days before  . It did puzzle me that my father suddenly went away on this long mysterious office tour and could not be seen for several weeks to come .

 In my school , girls would talk about this and I knew about this but not in detail .  Luckily one visiting  ,younger aunt was by my side when this happened and to this day I thank the lords above for her presence then and there .  She took care of me through this new testing time  , talked me  over  this    changeover chapter of my life and was with me through out for several months  to the extent of dropping me to school and getting me back home .
Even to this day ,  I wish my mum  had been more communicative .

It came as a shock suddenly  ( I will spare you the gory details ) and  it took me a long long time to come to terms with  my new ‘ bloomed’  status .  

Since times immemorial, this has been a subject of hush hush talk .  

 Of late while watching an advertisement  on sanitary napkins my 10 year old daughter told me  with a knowledgeable face  “ I know what this is . This is adult girls’  nappy. When  big girls continue to do pipi in bed they wear this like  we used to wear  as babies . “.

Sigh ..Very soon its going to be time for The  TALK with her .  I am gearing up for it but my job will be easier than my mum’s . They have counseling and advising sessions in the school today .

Many of our daily activities are associated with  strict religions rituals and monthly menses is no exception .

 Menstruation women are  not allowed in public places like Temples etc.,.   even to this day .

 Temples ( or any religious places ) like Shabarimala  ( Kerala )  / Maula Ali ( Hyderabad ) are atop a  hill and  were surrounded by dense jungles  inhabited by dangerous carnivorous animals   Devotees had  to undergo an arduous journey  on hard  sloppy  rocks to reach the top  in the pre -public  -transport   days . 

A menstruating woman is going to  find it very difficult  to  endure this  course which can last upto several days . Added to that ,  the animals  might get restless with  these smells  exuding from her and come too close for comfort  .  The  beasts and birds have a more sharp sense of smell than us humans .

Not only in the subcontinent , but  in many regions  over the world , the traditional houses had a small room built with a small window in a secluded portion with one  stone bed . The door directly led to the well  /lake which was at the back of the  house .  She was not  supposed to come inside the house for 3   days  and had to eat / sleep / bath  in her own room . 
In Hindu households , She had to eat the 5 elements of purity ( called Panchakari ) which included cow urine / cow dung  and only then enter the main house .  Its reasonable , because cow urine is a disinfectant .
I am sure , in other cultures too, there are such  dietary requirements .

 Some families make the  daughter-in-law have a small piece of Tamarind before she has her 3rd  day ceremonial bath and can face her husband .   Tamarind  is supposed to evaporate blood .  A piece of this is meant to stop the blood flow totally and the  'bleeder' is deemed fit again for 'family  life' . 
Because of this blood-absorbing quality ,  too much of this  spice is  considered too bad in daily cooking . 

Fresh flowing blood  provides a  fertile ground for germs .  Those days there was no  concept of hot running water / disinfectant hand washes / disposable sanitary napkins .   Things like Pickles and papads have to last the entire year . If they come in contact with a girl in her period then chances are that it will contact fungus and rot .  

Imagine a slitty eyed mother in law  asking her  timid daughter in law to rest during  whatever time of the month or year  . The latter will  be given heavy grinding or  pounding  on a daily basis and ‘such’ times  would be no exception The  mother in law  is more prone to leave her daughter in law alone when threatened with spreading  dirtiness or  angering the gods  .

Not only religious   beliefs, this  subject   also has some fantasies and legends associated with it .  Some of my friends from other religions say that  intercourse during such times results in  Jinn like babies with wings or pointed ears .  In the Indian mythology , Draupadi the heroine of Mahabharata was menstruating when the game of dice was going on . Hence she was wearing just one piece of cloth and was waiting for her ritual bath in the ladies chamber .     So she refused to come and face the elders of the  family when called politely the first time  .  Her refusal enraged  the  villain of the piece and he sent his brother to drag her by hair .  The elders of the house  apparently  felt the sight of a woman with dirty stained cloth more revolting than the fact that she was a princess and was  being dragged into a men’s  assembly by her own brother in law.

 I am not a doctor I have heard that a woman’s bleeding helps her from  many problems like BP / heart attacks etc., due to the  circulation of  fresh blood .

In my past several decades of being an  ‘adult woman’  , not once have I heard any one say monthly  bleeding is a ‘bad thing ‘. They did say its something separate or  confidential .   I feel its  definitely something to be kept  private and not bandied about in public . 

Some time back , there was an Instagram picture  of a girl menstruating whose face was turned towards the wall and she was sleeping in a curled position with her back side sticking out and a bit of blood glaringly showing on her light grey pant . there was a spate of politically correct articles and blogs supporting this photo .

 I  ,  for one , found the photo  revolting . its like saying don’t cringe or revolt when I show you picture  of my other  ‘so-called’ offensive secretions like phlegm /  mucus or …. I leave the rest to your imagination ... 

There is no need to overtly publicize such a daily natural activity loudly .  Today houses and families are getting smaller . They have inbuilt shower rooms / sanitary bins with aromatic bin liners attached / disposable  smell free napkins  come in small discreet packets . If the woman of the house ‘sits out ‘ then who will take care of    her work  in her small individual family of 4 -5 members ? So its practical that she wears a discreet tampoon or pad and goes around her daily duties  in a routine manner. 
 Rules and regulations  are always made for someone's good and security . When they say women in productive age should not enter a temple ( say like Shabarimala ) its for her protection.    Over a period of time  some might get obsolete . One must change with changing times , of course. 
Present-day , We have regular awareness programs in schools / colleges / TV  for girls to prepare them for this natural transition of their  youth. 

Its  a good thing that  the taboos and  secrecy surrounding a woman’s bleeding are withering away    thought I must admit I don't  approve   of     blatant  exhibition  of agape  pads or tampoons  .   

#sabarimala  #Menstuation  #Bleeding #MaulaAli