In defence of the match maker " aunty "

So I have been entrusted with finding a match for my third cousin .  Goshhhh now  This is new to me . A few months back my aunt  called me up and told me details about her son who is living in my  present city since an year now .  He has a very  rich CV with degrees from high level  institutions including from  one ivy league university . I have never been given this task before .
To be frank ,  I was a bit taken aback  but feeling  privileged to  be allocated such a delicate and important errand.
 Not knowing how to start , I have started giving his details to my close associates to help me out .
You see the complication - he still doesn't know  this intention of mine    and I don't want him  and the  world to think that  I am your typical match making aunty.

Me ? a very intelligent /go getting / diligent / hardworking / aware / career oriented / young /regular woman next door ? a match making aunty ?

Its a common phenomenon to   smirk or giggle at    this ilk  . we see them everywhere - in parties/ dinners / weddings / balls / banquets / functions ...
They see an eligible candidate   in some such fetes and they start  getting details  /  running  sequential  queries in their fertile minds /  playing mix and match games mentally / trying to 'fix' them with other singletons .
Majority of them are ladies ( I wonder why ) .
They are subject to much sneer and leer.
I too have chuckled quietly at these people who are trying to "set me " up  with some male I have never seen or known.
Our attitudes / outlook towards life changes with our role changes.   One fine day  , The  pampered daughter  becomes the  concerned mother ,the  carefree student becomes the  strict teacher ,
the ward becomes the guardian .
 Two decades back I was one such focussed , career minding single girl in the big bad world of Bombay ( today Mumbai).  I have led the high life  when still internet / mobile phones  were just teething .  I have lived alone in  costly hostels and studio apartments for years . My   parents used to send me photos of eligible boys and remind me every few months that I am going old and I should get married ASAP. On my 24th birthday I remember my mother calling me and literally weeping in the phone - " you are going to be ALL of 24 . you HAVE TO get married before 25 . why don't you like any boy I refer .  Word is getting around in our community in this town that you are growing proud and haughty because of your earning status . If this persists, you will never get married. That cousin younger  is already a mother . why O why .. "
I lived in literal dread of  such calls and letters .

You tend to grow up quickly when you are on your own .
One by one my friends started getting married .some even got divorced equally quickly making me think about the sanctity of the bond .
I remember falling sick once very badly . I was bed ridden for 2 whole days and had vomited  over myself more than once, soiling my bed horribly  . I could not even go and get my medicines from the cabinet which was just 10 feet away. finally  after  2-3 days I mustered up some strength and came back to life . I had to clean the whole thing myself and stand on my own two feet all by myself .  With no one to talk to  , no one to even get me a glass of water , life was hell then.  I know life when you are on your own.  I didn't tell this to my parents as I knew they will worry themselves to no end .

Truth be told ,  each time  I was home on some holiday , I had diligently attended  some " bride seeing " sessions in my house   with families ( and extended families in some cases ) of both sides chatting " nonchalantly " for several hours .  There have also been instances when  " just the two of us " met over a cuppa  .

In some cases the boy's party agreed instantly but I had refused .
I just didn't feel connected to any of them  and didn't want any alliance just for the heck of  it -no offence meant to those boys or their families .
Finally , just before my 25th birthday ( just like my mum wanted )  , I got married and now am a mother myself .
Only now I am able to acknowledge  the worry and concern of a parent.
As a guardian you want a secure life for our wards . not necessarily a rich or luxurious life but a comfortable one  at least .
Man is the only creature which worries about its offspring till he dies. birds / bees /animals / flora and fauna give birth and go about their own lives. Probably mammals like elephants / cats care for their infants for a few years till they are suckling and then the little ones are on their own.
Its natural  that a  parent is always worried  with questions like what is my child doing out in the big city all by himself  ? what if the train is very  late  ? what if he falls sick ?  what if the water electricity is not working ? does she know how to fix that leaking pipe ? what if there is some robbery in the   house ?
what if  she  runs of food stock in his fridge ?  who is he sharing his flat with ? what kind of people are coming to her house  posing as friends ? so on and on and on ...

Marriage is a wholesome package . It provides security  and bond . But this blog is  not a lecture about marriage  but I am defending those who try to find matches for singletons.  they are not  just interfering ants  . Their intentions are only to help.  Its easy to say - mind your own business but with today's  jet setting lives , individuals get little time to interact outside their realm . Dating sites are always there but its safer  to go through some known channel .
Gone are the days of horoscope matching , bride "seeing " , getting the correct wedding date from the family priest etc.,
Personally I dont think  marriage is a dying institution .  It will be there as long as humanity is around on this planet.
Coming back  to my new role , I am calling him for  collective dinners / gatherings with  other friends which include eligible girls and   introducing them. With his credentials ,he will prove to be a good match. They can meet later for a cuppa by themselves and take it from there .  Heres hoping that something appealing will click soon . Meanwhile , If and when he finds out  my intention , hope he does not develop any animosity towards me . I am only trying to help , you see ..

Narcissism and all that .

Recently   a  world famous  lawyer  ( Amal Clooney ) ,  the wife of well known actor of Hollywood  ( George Clooney )  was in news because she gave a speech  about displaced people in United Nations .  Needless to say  it was an astute  ,  sensitive speech. I have secretly admired her for being an over achiever at such an young age .   Must say - shes a prodigy of sorts .


Many bloggers and articles came out in a flurry , appreciating her  well maintained slim  , trim frame / her   lustrous hair / her figure / her baby bump /  her poise etc.,  I thought all of these  articles were well deserving  to a brainy  young woman.

Within a matter of hours another flurry of articles and blogs came out rebuking the former type . Many were plain angry with the way every one spoke only about her physique and how  there is not much mention of how and what she was speaking  on etc etc.,
Its not a cake walk going to UN and speaking in front of  dynamic intelligent  movers and shakers .

Personally , I cant see anything wrong with  the way they spoke about her   frame  and physique . I thought it was a  huge compliment to a well bred  / brilliant  lady .
If I  say I like blue,  it does not mean I hate green  .
 If I say a girl is good looking , does it mean that shes an idiot  ?
 The founder of a famous fashion house once said - If the woman is well dressed and chic ,  they  focus on her  form  and frame  , if shes plainly dressed  and drab , then   they pay attention to what shes speaking .

Is there any rule that some one cant be pretty and  perspective  at the same time ?
Dressing  , carrying oneself changes the way we carry ourself .  its not just the dress its also the  grace and poise  with which we carry ourselves.
The content AND the handwriting both matter .

A few decades ago a well dressed woman was deemed ( and rightly so ) to spend hours in front of the mirror  preening  herself.  Those days they didnt have so many easy-to-use  ointments or cosmetics  coming in various sizes which can fit in our hand bags .   So it was assumed that she spends a longer time caring for herself and being vain .

Today it takes just  a few minutes to get ready and be on the go .

Its the peer pressure which makes up a large part of how we look .
Of course we dont want to be called dandies  , frillies  or narcissistic  .   At the same time  we dont want to be called plain  Jane , dull or  moronic .  By  instinct , we tend to approach  a well presented person than some one  sluggish .
If you don't present your self  in the contemporary manner , it  speaks of  disillusionment /  disenchantment / depression  with life in general.

Looks matter . The cosmetics / fashion industry is formed of a large number of honest hard working tax paying populace .

When some one comments on our  form or physique why cant we just take it as a  well deserved compliment  ?

An encounter with a beggar in Paris ( among other things ) ..

Watch this space for more ...

My last blog on  Paris was 3 years back. this blog is not about Paris per se but about  the people living on  the  fringes  of the city - Beggars / streetwalkers / vagabonds / gypsies / idlers / destitutes  / wastrels  ..
The under written are my own thoughts and  observations . Hope I don't sound judgemental or critical .

Having lived in London for a decade , these tramps are not new to us . They are found in every nook and corner in India and other neighbouring countries  for sure . But when I  came to London  I  came with stars in  my eyes .  It never stuck me that big cities  too might have their share of  these vagabonds .  Those days they were innocuous  , some even apologetic .   I also ended up exchanging friendly familiar smiles with the regular ones. One just gets used to these harmless men and women politely asking for money  or food at traffic signals I suppose .
The early 2000s were the days of the  " pre   unrest  in the West Asia and East Europe "days.
When I came to Paris in the  2007 ,  I did expect a fair share of mendicants in the main streets. It has increased 10 fold in the past year .
Initially only the city centres used to be focus of these tramps but of late they have started penetrating areas outside  too  a few KM outside  from the  main city . Only the congested cities  in and around Paris used to be corrupted with   mendicants  but now no place is safe .
Muggers/ pickpockets / thugs are lurking around everywhere  and whats more , its tough to identify them .
Previously you can make out a person with evil intentions a mile away thanx to his unkempt look / scruffy hair / awkward gait / darting eyes ....
Today they are well dressed with costly but ill-fitting  clothes  and shoes ( all  embezzled of course )  and just take a stroll in residential areas in small groups taking a closer look at windows and houses when they think that no ones watching .  Many such streetside  rustlers in Paris and other big cities drug their children or train them to go and ask money.  Its scary to stop at traffic signals . They also carry a placard citing  " Please help us . we are a  decent family from  < insert the latest country which is having a turmoil > country  "
Villages around our residential areas have been victims of  break-ins more than once . Holidays and vacation times are most fertile seasons for thefts .  The police is most helpful  and sympathetic but what can they do anyways. they surely fix your broken pane or door for free .
I myself have been mugged  a couple of times  by small bands of sweetly giggling   teenaged girls .
Yesterday I met this cute young woman  who kept on chatting with me in the train station .I was travelling to La defence which is the centre of Paris .  She said she's from Algeria and was here with her two girls who had come for some operation one year ago.  she sounded all normal .  Once inside the train , she slowly asked me if I can get something to eat . I  realised  her intentions and told her I don't have any cash , albeit if she can come with me to  la defence  I can  buy her food . all through the  journey she was interested  in my family / jewels / dresses ...  Each time I asked about her daughters she would manage to talk about something else .  She only spoke Arabic  .  I had a tough time interacting with her .    But Very clearly , she  has overstayed her visa .  Her    " poor - little -thing "  image was slipping off   by the  time we reached our destination.
once we reached the station , I asked her what she wanted to eat .sweetly she led me to an ATM and told me  I can withdraw cash there and she  " does not mind "  having cash in place of food .
many of these  so -called  have-nots gamble away their money  or are addicted to substances . Why indirectly fund their  vices ?
equally sweetly I told her I can only buy her food else she can go elsewhere .  She became all quite suddenly .  I bought her some buns for 25,00 Euros  she was all sulky pouty by the time I finished paying the bill .She then wandered off needless to say to find another " patron " or  benefactor who will gallantly  give her some liquid cash .
liquid cash  in hand  temps many  evils .
anyway my good deed of the day was done and I walked off .
I know several people who have outstayed their  welcome like this and resort to  undesirable money making activities like pilferage / robberies/ begging / snatching ...  The state has many schemes to fit these people in the  mainstream  but these clans deliberately  live  on the brink away from the  regular stream .  They are invisible as far as the  prime society is concerned.  Truth be told , I myself know many people who have integrated into their host countries gratefully  after escaping from a  ravaged region .  They might start at the lowest rung but have slowly risen above with disciple and  control . they now indulge in a lot of charity activities to show their  obligations  and acknowledgements .
some of  these  so-called impoverished are from countries which had heavy battles for the past several decades but now have  come back to normalcy . they refuse to leave  saying they are used to this country for 30 odd years  and live  on public benefits . I personally find them most undeserving .
I can narrate first hand instances of  " training sessions " for these  undesirable  bums going on during non peak hours in underground metros or sparsely populated places .

Not just tramps but  the city and surrounding areas are abound with  street walkers even during peak  office hours . I often wonder how  all of them find takers .  Paris has a thick foliage in and around  .  The   region  around these mini   forests are fertile with men and women playing hide and seek  with the motorists  on  the  main road . They are found hanging colourful plastic covers to the trees  behind which they " hide " . some of them have several plastic covers hanging .   Insiders have told me that the colour of the plastic cover   announces the various services they offer .
At times  I do pity  them standing like this in harsh weathers looking for pickups to fund  their next meal.
Religion /race / caste/ creed/ region  does not matter.  The  mean streets are the most secular of all places.  they are all driven by necessity or needs  (  in many cases , self inflicted  ) .
I have friends and associates in all religions /races/ castes/ creeds / regions . Its the status which matters. We see eye to eye on many issues . We can chat for hours together without bringing our  doctrine into the conversation .
 So its not fair to pin point a particular region or race for these  abominable activities.
The ultimate rule of the thumb is that we need to be careful. prevention is better than cure . A good trick which helps you in many cases is keeping a flashy  wallet  openly in your  hand bag with false notes and a smaller obscure looking one deep inside with  genuine essentials  .  When any one asks you for money , try not to  escape too much depending on the crowds around you . Some of them are armed and dangerous  even in crowded places .  A needle prick is all it takes to numb you .  Your limbs /  life is more precious than a few pennies. Better to part with some money than  showing bravado    and  fall in danger trying to avoid or dodge  them .